Local Rancher Holds Guitar For First Time, Immediately Wins GRAMMY

TEXAS—Local rancher Calvin Winthrop, a non-musician, was as surprised as anybody to learn that he had just won a GRAMMY for Country Album of the Year mere moments after picking up an abandoned yet completely new acoustic guitar sitting in the middle of a picturesque field.

“Like I said, I showed up on the ranch to pick up my mail – which is owned by a friend of mine – and there was this guitar sitting there along with a weird kid with a camera and these fancy lights. I picked up the guitar to check it out, never played before not even a lick. Something just felt right, like I said.”

According to sources, Winthrop picked up the guitar at 3:04PM CST and was handed the award at 3:07 by a representative from The GRAMMY Association of America, a mere 3 minutes after picking up the abandoned yet totally new, perfectly tuned guitar.

The reception from the community has been overwhelmingly positive.

“We just love what he stands for,” a local sandwich artisan said. “I’m not surprised he got the award, I’ve been telling friends about him all afternoon. A true artist. And I know art, damnit.”

Winthrop’s album, entitled “Dirty Thoughts” immediately went to #1 on the Country charts at 3:05pm, despite containing no music, lyrics or album art. It did however have an ASCAP-certified barcode and beautiful shrink-wrap packaging.

“It was very avant garde yet totally tradish,” local A&R rep Dan Spritzer remarked. “The world had no clue about Winthrop several minutes ago, who produced his album, or how it came out so damn good. He’s going to give Adele a run for her money.”

At 3:09PM, Winthrop became the top-paid streaming artist on Spotify, earning $4.07.

Unfortunately, at 3:11PM, authorities arrested Winthrop on 7 counts of mail fraud and domestic animal abuse. His followup album, “Beat The Rap”, debuted at number #1 on the Hip Hop charts at 3:13PM —

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